


I'm Not Calling You a Liar

by bluemermaid



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 17:35:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/624789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemermaid/pseuds/bluemermaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Albus stood there waiting for what felt like forever, as the shadows twisted and lengthened in the night, as Scorpius slept innocently behind him, the center of some hidden message from the world beyond the living.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Calling You a Liar

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2011 nextgendarkfest on Livejournal. Contains death, grieving, angst, obsession, and self-hatred.

_I'm not calling you a liar,_  
just don't lie to me.  
I'm not calling you a thief,  
Just don't steal from me.  
I'm not calling you a ghost,  
Just stop haunting me.  
And I love you so much,  
I'm gonna let you,  
Kill me. 

*****  


"Hey, Potter."

Albus looked up from his lunch to see the smirking face of Scorpius Malfoy, who was sitting directly across from him. He had no idea how Scorpius did it, appearing before him so silently, so sneakily. He imagined it must be some magic Slytherin power, one that Al himself was hopelessly oblivious to. He'd regretted his sorting many a time over the years, mostly in regards to being around Malfoy so often.

"I'm getting a study group together tomorrow in the library," Scorpius was saying, with a casual toss of his head, shaking his long blonde hair out of his eyes. "You wanna come along?"

Al frowned. "Not really."

"Aw, come on, Potter." Scorpius scowled, tapping his fingers on the table, as though he were playing an imaginary piano. "It'll be all right. You might even learn something." He grinned.

Girls of all houses went wild for Scorpius Malfoy's grins; Al felt a wicked twist in his stomach, and a rush of boiling self-hatred slid up his throat, like an urge to vomit. "Whatever," Al said with a shrug, shoving a spoonful of food into his mouth, to drown the inner assault. "I might stop by."

"Tomorrow afternoon, after Potions. I'll see you there," Scorpius replied, swinging his leg over the bench as he made his graceful exit, as silent as ever. Albus swallowed his food with a grimace.

*****  


"Albus."

In the middle of a very dark room, Albus Severus Potter sat up in bed, groggily pushing his hair out of his eyes as he struggled to make sense of the situation. "Hullo?"

"Albus." It whispered slightly louder this time, though Albus still couldn't place where it was coming from. "Albus."

"Who's there?" Al asked quietly, inching out of bed, his sock-clad feet slipping slightly on the wooden floorboards. The mattress creaked once as he left it, and Albus paused, hands splayed across the sheets, his eyes darting around the room. He saw nothing. He strained his ears; he heard nothing.

Scorpius slept in the bed to his left, one pale hand hanging over the edge. Tiny snores emanated from the blankets, and Albus smirked slightly as he neared. "Malfoy? Are you calling me?"

A rush of cold air swept over Albus from head to toe, and he gasped at the suddenness of it, the shock sending goosebumps rippling up his skin. He whirled away from Scorpius, back towards his own bed, and his eyes widened at the sight before him. A shimmering white figure hovered just before him, decidedly glaring at him with a terrifyingly familiar face. "Albus," it hissed once more, and he immediately wondered why he hadn't recognized the voice before.

"Lily," he breathed, his hands trembling. He wanted to reach out and touch her, to be sure she was real, but it wouldn't matter; she could not be touched by human hands. "What are you doing here?"

Lily Luna Potter was translucent; Albus could see the room beyond her, the crumpled bedsheets of his own sleeping place. He saw the window, the bedside dresser, the floorboards. But she was there, his sister, arms folded over one another, that same old petulant frown twisting her lips. The colors were all washed out, her hair as grey as any ghost's, and yet Albus remembered it as it was, the brilliant red of a Weasley. It was Lily, every inch of her, and his heart burst at the sight of her; he missed her. "What are you doing here?" He asked again, desperate, as though he could lose her again if she did not answer.

And she did not answer; Lily pointed menacingly, her tiny finger outstretched to a point just behind Albus. He turned, looking again upon Scorpius Malfoy, sleeping soundly throughout this odd encounter. Albus swallowed and wiped a hand over his forehead; he was sweating, despite the cold air of his sister swirling around him.

"Scorpius?" The question was confused, searching. Al looked around at the place where Lily had been, only to cry out at her disappearance. She had vanished; he had lost her. "Lily, wait!" His whisper was filled with agonizing longing. But she did not come back to him.

Albus stood there waiting for what felt like forever, as the shadows twisted and lengthened in the night, as Scorpius slept innocently behind him, the center of some hidden message from the world beyond the living. Al waited, and listened, but Lily did not return. He relented with the rising dawn, climbing back into bed and closing his eyes with a tired sigh, frightened and wondering.

*****  


"Al, wait." Scorpius rushed after Al's retreating figure and grabbed hold of his arm, spinning Potter so that their eyes met. Albus glowered at him. "Why are you leaving? We've only just stopped working."

"I said I'd come to the study group," Al replied, pulling his arm out of Malfoy's grasp and crossing his arms over his chest. "That's all I agreed to."

Scorpius flashed yet another devastating grin and flipped his hair out of his eyes. "I just thought we could sit together for a spell, have a chat." He laughed. "We've been housemates for years and we've barely said two words to each other."

Albus felt his forehead crinkle up, a pinching that sent a radiating ache throughout his brain. He sighed and looked away from Malfoy, his eyes searching the library around them. People wandered through the shelves looking at books; groups sat at tables laughing quietly. Normal students living normal lives; Al would have traded with any one of them. "I don't exactly have anything to say."

Scorpius didn't say anything in reply, and Al glanced quickly back over at him. Malfoy looked so serious, his eyes filled with something almost vulnerable. Albus had never seen Scorpius that way before, and it shocked him; he'd grown so used to the laughing, attractive arrogance of a Malfoy. "Sorry, Potter," Scorpius said, shrugging slowly. He turned slightly away. "I didn't think I was so repulsive to you."

Al rolled his eyes and tapped Scorpius lightly on the shoulder. "Don't be so melodramatic, Malfoy," he said. "I've got my own problems."

Scorpius reached out and clasped Al's hands between his own. Albus stared at him but did not move, caught in some kind of trance at the sight of those warm, pale hands over his own. "Maybe I could help you out," Scorpius said softly, the beginnings of a smile creeping its way back onto his face. "If you were interested in my company."

Al hesitated, torn, sick with self-loathing at the buzzing intensity of his interest. "Why?" He asked earnestly. The pinching in his forehead came back as he stared Malfoy down, desperate to find some kind of understanding in those sparkling grey eyes. Scorpius could have any friend he wanted; he shouldn't be here holding Albus Potter's hands so tightly. There was nothing Al could offer him. 

Scorpius's smile widened, and Al had a sudden flash of his sister Lily, hovering before him in the darkness with her arm outstretched towards Malfoy. But that was nothing but the memory of a terrifying dream, and Al closed his eyes briefly to clear the vision. "I've always been interested in you, Potter," Scorpius was saying quietly, grinning, spinning Al's intestines into knots. "You rather fascinate me, to be honest, and I hate seeing you like this."

"Like what?" Al asked, gasping for air, gasping for rationality. He couldn't think like this, standing so close, and he slipped out of Malfoy's grasp, shaking the feeling back into his fingers. 

"You know." Scorpius shrugged. "Sad."

Albus laughed, a snort, an explosion bursting unexpectedly from his throat. "Sad," he echoed, shaking his head. "You have no idea, Malfoy."

"I could cheer you up, Albus." Scorpius was grinning broadly now, the magic exuding from his pores like the scent of a potion, like the vibrations of a particularly powerful spell. A Malfoy spell, or a Slytherin spell, something ancient and secret, something Al would never be properly privy to. Scorpius winked at him, and Al's heart skipped, followed quickly by that old familiar sickness, the hatred that stung Al's throat. "If you'd let me."

Al closed his eyes and turned away with great effort, drawing air into his lungs like a drowning man freshly washed up on the shore of a deserted island. He'd been deserted for almost a year now, adrift in a sea of loneliness and inexplicable longing. He'd never noticed how attractive Scorpius Malfoy was, not before the accident. It didn't make sense, but not too many things did. "I have to go, Malfoy," Albus said shakily. "I'm late for practice."

Scorpius made a noise of disbelief behind him. "Quidditch practice," he said derisively, making it sound like the most ridiculous thing on the planet. "You can't still be supporting Them."

Al turned back to Scorpius with a hard glare. "I need something," he said. "Whatever I can take."

Malfoy's sneer faded. "All right. Can I come along, then?" His smile seemed almost fake. "I might learn something."

Al rolled his eyes. "I really wish you wouldn't."

Malfoy shrugged. "Have it your way, Potter." He tossed his head. "I'll see you later, then."

Albus watched him go, regretting his anger immediately. It wasn't Scorpius Malfoy's fault that Albus Potter was a lunatic.

*****  


Al trudged down the grounds towards the Quidditch pitch and sat down heavily in the front row of the stands, resting his chin on his hands and his elbows on his knees. He watched disinterestedly as the small group of red-and-gold players made their way onto the field, dragging their brooms and chatting animatedly. Albus didn't know why he came out to watch them; somehow it made him feel closer to something. This particular "something" didn't seem to want this closeness with Al, but it didn't stop Albus from trying.

"Oh, what is he doing here?" A loud voice startled Albus out of his miserable reverie, and he sat up as a girl with unruly black hair stomped closer to him, waving her hands in his direction as she shouted. "Are we really going to let a Slytherin watch our techniques?"

Al frowned but said nothing, watching as a familiar red-haired figure came over to the girl and placed a hand on her shoulder, speaking softly to her. The girl huffed and shook her head, storming back towards the middle of the pitch. The red-haired boy watched her go, then walked slowly over to where Albus was sitting, leaning heavily on the barrier separating the stands from the field. "Hey, Albus," James said wearily. "What are you doing here?"

Al felt the disappointment like a sagging weight in his chest, and his limbs drooped in response to it, his chin sinking back down onto his palms. "The usual, I suppose," he said to his brother. "Just bored and seeking companionship."

James's jaw tightened. "Well, the team's not really thrilled about it, mate. And I don't exactly see what you're accomplishing sitting out here by yourself."

"I never get to see you anywhere else," Al replied. "You're not really thrilled to see me either, are you?"

"It's not that, Al," James said, though it was exactly that; Albus could see it in the set of James's face, the coldness in his gaze. James had never understood his younger siblings; it had all been light-hearted fun before, pranks and jibes at the dinner table. Now it was this coldness, this distance between them. Lily had been the bridge, the heart of the family. "I don't have time for this."

"Time for what? To comfort your younger brother in his time of need? Yeah, it's clear you don't have time for such nonsense," Al said sarcastically. 

James turned his face away, but it did nothing to hide the fact that he was rolling his eyes at Albus. "I've got practice to get to," he said tightly, slipping away from his brother. "Just try not to make any trouble, all right? I'll try to convince the team not to worry about it."

"You do that," Al said harshly. He watched James go, his brow furrowed. He did not leave, watching idly as James rose up into the air on his broom, as his Gryffindor teammates commenced drilling Quidditch passes and shots. Albus hated Quidditch, hated the way it made James swagger, hated the house divisions it caused. He only wanted to talk to his brother, but James never seemed to have time for it. And so he sat and watched, bored and miserable, wishing Lily were there beside him. And when a soft breeze of cold air swirled around him a moment later, he was barely surprised by it.

Lily did not look at him; she stared out at the Quidditch pitch, her wispy white hair flowing around her face. Albus drank in the sight of her, his little sister, and he remembered how she'd looked before in these very stands, hopping up and down excitedly with her Gryffindor banner whenever James scored a goal. She'd always made time for Albus, despite her other brother's green scarf. "Why are you here, Lily?" Al whispered now, reaching out to touch her. His fingers slipped through nothing but freezing cold air in the space where her hand was, resting gently on the seat between them.

Lily did not speak, and so they sat there together, watching James Potter toss the Quaffle about with his friends. Albus wondered if maybe he should have tried harder to make friends of his own in Slytherin house, and not rely so on his family. But this thought only led him to Scorpius Malfoy, and his heart fluttered with a combination of excitement and fear.

Lily turned to him then, and placed her hands on his face, the cold air of them blistering his cheeks. "No," she whispered, her translucent eyes shimmering before him. She moved through him, her face pressing into his as her arms slid through his chest. Albus trembled violently from the assault, crying out at the shock of it. "No," Lily's voice echoed again, bouncing around in his brain, and she was gone as quickly as she'd appeared, leaving Al sitting alone in the Quidditch stands with only the memory of her chilled form and the absolute terror in her voice.

*****  


"James, James, wait!" Al dashed across the field, catching James just as he'd been entering the changing rooms. James sighed as he faced Albus, who was panting heavily from the sprint. "James, do you believe in ghosts?"

James took in the sight of his brother, Al's cheeks a dark pink and his Slytherin scarf loose and fluttering in the wind. "Are you having me on, Al? Of course there's ghosts; we see them every day, you know."

Al looked away, to the empty stands on the other side of the field, before fixing James with a desperate stare. "No, not like the Bloody Baron and that lot," he said quickly, struggling to come up with the right words. "She's like...well, did you see anything, earlier? Up in the stands with me?"

James hesitated, narrowing his eyes in disbelief. "There was a ghost with you in the stands?"

"Not just any ghost, James." Al nearly cried at the thought of it, of Lily visiting him and not James. How could he possibly explain? He wasn't even sure it was real. "It's her."

"Albus." James sounded furious, and he grabbed Al's cloak, yanking him away from the door to the changing room, out onto the field and away from the earshot of any other student. "Albus, you better not be saying what I think you're saying."

Al was confused by his brother's anger. "But I am, James," he said solemnly.

James pushed him roughly, knocking the wind out of Al and sending him stumbling. "Don't make jokes," James said, his face twisted in hideous rage. "It's not a joke."

"No," Al said, steadying himself as he felt his anger rise to match his brother's. "It isn't."

"I get it, Al. You think I'm being callous," James said, running a hand through his hair. "But we don't all have to be gloomy little brooders like you. Some of us grieve differently. A little more healthily than you, I'd wager."

"You have no fucking idea," Al shouted, pushing James back. But Albus was weaker than his brother, and James stood his ground stonily. "I was only trying to share her with you. But you obviously don't give a shit."

James glared at him and turned away. "Leave me alone, Al. Go back to your dorm."

Albus sneered at his brother's back, hearing the implications in James's tone loud and clear. Go back to your gloomy Slytherins, and leave us better Gryffindors alone. "Whatever," Al said, spitting on the grass before he walked away. He felt Lily's eyes on him the whole way back. He wished she would appear to him again, so he could try to make sense of her presence. So he could have her iciness upon him again, as opposed to the coldness of his brother.

*****

Scorpius caught him thinking about her later that evening, sitting on his bed surrounded by photographs. In the pictures she was happy, twirling with brilliantly red hair swirling around her. Her brown eyes sparkled up at him; she winked whenever she caught his glance. Al touched the edges of the photo, wondering how such a happy girl could look at him now with such fear. The question came burning back into his mind, the question he'd been hiding since the accident, the question that whispered at him whenever he let his guard down. What really happened?

"What are you doing, Potter?" Albus startled at the sound of Malfoy's voice, his leg swinging out involuntarily and kicking several photos off the edge of the bed. Scorpius raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you wanking in here, Potter?"

"No," Al shouted, his embarrassment turning quickly into disgust at the question.

"Thank Merlin for that," Scorpius replied easily, bending to pick up the fallen pictures. "Incest is so unsettling." He handed Al the photos with a smirk.

"Don't make jokes about her like that," Al said harshly, snatching the photos from Scorpius. "That's disgusting."

Scorpius looked contrite as he perched gently on the end of the bed. "Sorry." He looked down at the spread. "You still miss her a lot."

"She's my sister," Al replied, following Scorpius's gaze. He picked up a recent photo, one of Lily and James, celebrating just after Gryffindor house had won the Quidditch cup. Lily had her arms around James's waist, giggling as her oldest brother ruffled her hair affectionately. "Of course I miss her. I'll always miss her."

Scorpius nodded solemnly as he mimicked Al's actions, picking up a photo at random and rubbing the corner absently with the pad of his finger. "She's pretty," he said quietly. "She seems like such a happy person."

"She was," Albus said, eyeing Scorpius carefully. Malfoy was so incredibly handsome, and he'd had a steady supply of girlfriends in the past couple of years; was he now looking at Lily in that way? But Scorpius looked so serious, so sad, and he met Al's gaze without blinking, without a hint of anything untoward, of anything disrespectful. 

"I really am sorry," Scorpius said, leaning forward to brush a stray hair off Al's forehead. Albus froze in place, his mind wiped clear of rational thought, his heart racing painfully in his chest. "I always wanted to tell you that." His voice was nearly a whisper. "Among other things."

Albus coughed around the lump in his throat; his words were forced, restricted by the blockage that Malfoy's closeness seemed to have lodged within him. "Things like what, exactly?"

It was like a scene in a dream: Scorpius Malfoy licked his lips and smiled nervously at Albus, shaking his head and touching Al's cheeks. "Like how much I want to kiss you," he whispered, before doing just that, leaping forward and pressing his lips to Al's. Electricity crackled between them, an involuntary spell binding them together, as the force of the connection scattered pictures of Lily across the bed and onto the floor.

Albus whimpered at the extreme emotion of it all, the rush of heat and pain in his belly as he fumbled to kiss Scorpius properly, the pathetic little virgin terrified of any real attraction to another person. But this was Scorpius, a man, with chapped lips and rough palms and a very firm chest pressed against Albus. It wasn't normal to feel this way about a man, as though Al could literally melt, as though his every nerve sung with excitement. He had never felt this way before; he hadn't felt something so positive in a long time. Not since Lily.

And the thought of her conjured her again, her voice so tiny in the back of his brain, kicking at him from the depths as he messily snogged Scorpius in his bed. "Hurt him," she cried softly, tendrils of cold air curling around his neck. "Hurt him, hurt him, make him go away."

Albus choked on it, his fingers impossibly tangled in Scorpius's robes. He choked, and coughed, shoving Malfoy away and wiping his mouth in a daze. It didn't seem real, any of it, the voice in his head or the boy kneeling before him. "Fuck," he gasped. What had Lily been trying to tell him? He could no longer remember; there was only fear left behind, the echo of their embrace, Malfoy's warmth on his chest and Lily's ice at his back.

"Merlin, I'm sorry," said Scorpius, sliding off the bed, scattering yet more photos as he did so. Lily had vanished from the spread entirely now, lying in clumps under displaced blankets and turned over on the floor. "I shouldn't have done that."

"No," said Albus, staring off into space. His heart was still racing; he felt his chest could explode at any moment. "It's okay."

Scorpius looked both frightened and hopeful. He shook his hair out of his eyes. "Yeah?"

Al swallowed hard. "I don't really know," he said slowly. His head felt incredibly heavy, weighed down by the mess of emotions whirling about inside it. He was supposed to hate Scorpius Malfoy, wasn't he? He wasn't supposed to want this, anyway. But hadn't he, all along? That was the whole point of the thing, the boiling self-hatred which threatened to dissolve him each time Malfoy smirked at him. It hadn't been about Lily at all. But she had been there, whispering desperately, pointing at Scorpius as he slept so peacefully. It was all so confusing, and Albus shook his head and pulled his knees to his chest, hugging himself tightly.

"Hey," said Scorpius, reaching out carefully. His hand was a brand on Al's shoulder. "It's all right," he said, his eyes burning holes into Albus. "We can take it slow, you know." Scorpius's smile spread across his face like a sunrise. "I've got all the time in the world."

"Not always," Albus muttered darkly, thinking again of Lily. Had she ever gotten to experience this, this whirling madness, the thrill of a man's mouth upon hers? She'd been so young. Perhaps that was all there was to it, her mysterious message to him in the dark. She'd only been telling her brother to make his move, before it was too late for him, just as it had been for her. Albus felt a rush of cold nausea grip his stomach.

"We'll be different," Scorpius vowed, gripping Al tighter, forcing Albus to meet his gaze. "We'll be careful."

"We'll be careful," Al repeated, as that thought came back to him once more. Was she careful? Did it make any difference?

Scorpius trailed his fingers down Al's arm, until their fingers met, intertwining almost without consciously doing so, mere instinct. "I'm sorry to spring this on you now," Scorpius said. "But you haven't been so easy to talk to lately." He laughed nervously. "Or ever, actually. And you refused to stay behind after study group."

"You were going to snog me in the middle of the library?" Albus asked incredulously, the idea shocking him out of his thoughts of Lily. His face flushed with heat just picturing it, kissing Malfoy in front of other students. They'd probably kick the both of them out of school for something so perverted.

"Not exactly," and Scorpius laughed genuinely this time, finally regaining his normal Malfoy swagger.  
"Unless you were unable to resist me, of course."

Albus scowled at him. "I've been resisting you all my life." Too late, he realized how the words sounded, and his face only flushed deeper, burning so hot he felt his skin would melt.

Scorpius grabbed his shoulders and kissed him again. It was quicker, and chaster than their last kiss, though Albus still felt the spark, the twist in his stomach, the panic in his ribs. "Don't worry," Scorpius said when he pulled back, his eyes wide and gleaming. "I'll try to keep my hands off you in public." He winked and stepped back, stooping to pick up a pile of pictures from the floor. "We've made quite a mess." He tossed the pile onto the bed and turned to go, ruffling his hair as he walked away, as calmly as though the entire thing had never happened, as though he had never entered the room at all.

Albus flipped through the pictures Scorpius had dropped in his lap, guilt trickling through his every nerve ending. He was supposed to be mourning his sister, and instead he'd given in to his very worst impulse, his most secret desire, his darkest sin. Albus Severus Potter was already enough of an outcast, enough of a lunatic. He didn't need to be snogging boys now, least of all Scorpius Malfoy with his parade of girlfriends. It had to be some kind of joke, a prank which would only end in Al's mortification at the hands of a smug Malfoy.

"Albus," Lily whispered, and Al leaned back in his bed, clutching the stack of moving photographs and closing his eyes. "Don't let him do this to you," Lily said to him, her essence swirling around him in a rush of blistering frost. It was as though she were still alive, visiting her brother for one of their usual gossiping sessions. Sharing stories about their classes, about their housemates, about whatever ridiculous antics their family members had gotten up to lately. "Don't let him hurt you," she said into his ear, and Al nodded his acceptance of the words. "Don't let him change you. You have to change him first."

He didn't quite understand, but she was gone before he could ask her, leaving him as empty and lonely as ever, as he'd been since her death. Al opened his eyes with a teary sigh and slid out of bed, collecting all the fallen pictures so he could hide them away properly again. Scorpius Malfoy couldn't really understand; it was impossible. Al would have to be more careful next time, both with himself and the photos of his sister.

*****  


She was in Potions with him the next day. Albus couldn't see her, but he felt her presence all the same, her eyes peering over his shoulder, her cold hands on his skin. He felt her curiosity as he carefully mixed in ingredients; she would never learn how to make this concoction herself. She would never sit in a sixth year Potions class, nor read a sixth year Potions textbook. Al tried to move slowly, so she could see what he was doing. He used to love teaching Lily.

Rose Weasley was watching him, too, her auburn curls frizzing up in the steam emanating from her cauldron. "Al, may I borrow your knife?" She asked, leaning over, her cheeks flushed. 

Albus stared at her for a moment, trying to decide if he was imagining that Rose looked nervous. Could she sense it, too, the cyclone spinning just beside him, the rush of fresh air in the otherwise musty dungeon? "Yeah, all right," he said, handing the instrument to his cousin, searching her eyes desperately. Rose met his gaze only briefly, then lowered her eyes to her work, scraping the skin off her newts studiously. Albus didn't know how to read her behavior. He wished Lily would say something, make herself known to the world at large. Other ghosts did it; why couldn't she? He was almost flattered: he must be special. Lily had always loved him best, after all.

Scorpius brushed his fingertips over the back of Al's hand, causing Albus to nearly leap out of his seat. "Have we done step five already?" Scorpius asked, his voice casual, as though their pores weren't buzzing from the physical connection. "I can't remember."

Albus couldn't remember, either. "No," he guessed, wiping his forehead as he glanced over at the book lying open between them on the table. He stirred feebly.

"Your Weasley is staring at us," Scorpius whispered; goosebumps rippled down Albus's cheek and neck. Scorpius was grinning at him. "You think she'll see this?" He squeezed Al's thigh under the table.

Albus jerked hard, his leg jolting the bottom of the table and scattering partially-skinned newts all over the floor. "Don't do that," he said darkly under his breath, awkwardly leaning over to scoop up the newts.

"Sorry," Scorpius said, though he didn't look sorry at all. He helped Al gather the spill, dumping the newts into the cauldron. "Shit," he said quickly, as the potion curled and a thin tendril of black smoke curled into the air.

"Newt skins, Mr. Malfoy," the Professor snapped, marching over to inspect the damage. "Just the skins; I do believe I made that clear?"

"Sorry," Scorpius said again, honestly this time. "I was distracted by Potter."

Lily hissed in Al's ear then, a strained whisper at the back of his neck, the sort of sound made through clenched teeth. Lily was like their mother when she was angry, a flurry of dirty hexes, followed quickly with forgiving laughter and the proper counter-curse. She never stayed angry for long. She hissed at him now, and he felt her grip tighten on his shoulders, the cold sinking deeply into his bones. He shivered, and realized rather abruptly that everyone was looking at him. "Pardon?"

There was a shock of muffled laughter from somewhere far away. "I asked you, Mr. Potter, what was so distracting that it caused an entire cup of newts to end up in your cauldron?"

Albus had a sudden flash of an incredibly vivid fantasy, one in which he turned to Scorpius and punched him in the gut, for humiliating him in front of the entire Potions classroom. Or he pulled out his wand and shocked Scorpius with something terribly painful. But it was only a projection of his embarrassment; he wouldn't really hurt Malfoy. He could feel Lily's breath upon him. But ghosts didn't breathe, did they? "Nothing," he said, feeling miserable. "I didn't do anything."

The Professor pursed her lips. "Perhaps not," she said tightly, "but this mess" (she indicated their smoking cauldron) "will affect your final grade. Clean it up."

Scorpius ran his fingers down Al's arm, goosebumps blooming in their wake. "Sorry," he said yet again, offering Albus a smile. Al hesitated, feeling for Lily, but she was gone again, and the heat pressed in on him from all sides. He smiled nervously back at Scorpius.

*****

"Hey, Al, I really am sorry." Scorpius was breathing heavily with the effort to keep up with Al, who was walking to their next class as fast as he could, as though he could escape the humiliation of Potions class through sheer speed. "I only wanted to make you smile, you know?"

"Make me smile?" Al stopped in the middle of the corridor, giving Scorpius an incredulous stare. "By embarrassing me?"

"No, of course not." Scorpius looked uncomfortable. "You know what I mean."

"Look, there's not going to be any of this in public," Al said sternly, gesturing between the two of them. "I can't be thrown out of school just now, thank you very much."

Scorpius's eyes widened in surprise. "Thrown out of school? But, Al, that would never happen."

"Just the same," and Al felt his cheeks start to warm. He lowered his voice. "I'd rather not be touched in class. It doesn't feel right."

"I don't know," said Scorpius, taking Al by the hand and drawing nearer. "It feels pretty right to me."

"Stop it," Al protested, though he couldn't seem to move, could do nothing to stop Scorpius from leaning in and kissing him gently. He moaned, with a mixture of pleasure and pain, a nauseating worry and an electric joy. "Stop it," he gasped as they parted, as he clung to Scorpius's robes.

Scorpius smiled at him. "You're right," he said. "We wouldn't want to be thrown out of school." He rolled his eyes with a snort of laughter. "I'll only touch you when we're alone from now on. How's that, Potter?" He winked at Albus and rushed ahead of him. "Come on, we're going to be late for History."

Albus rolled his eyes and rubbed his stomach, to ease the tumbling ache of the million emotions coursing through him. He could feel Lily behind him, her anger flowing against him like a brutal ocean wave. It was Scorpius, he realized finally, the truth of the matter revealing itself to him, a light going on at the end of a very dark corridor. Lily Potter hated Scorpius Malfoy, and she hated Al for being with him. Albus stood frozen in the hallway, watching Scorpius as he walked farther and farther away. He was so close to figuring it all out, so close to making Lily happy again, and he had to get there. He had to, because Lily needed him to.

*****

_Dear Albus,_

_No, I'm not going to send you any more clippings about Lily. I rather think you have them all already, don't you? Besides, I don't think your Mum and Da would be too thrilled by my encouragement._

_I know it's hard, Al; of course it's hard. I miss her too, you know. And so does James, so you might want to stop harassing him about it, too. At least enough so he's not writing me complaining about you, all right?_

_Lily's death was a tragic accident. We all know this. Reading about it for the ten thousandth time isn't going to change anything about it. Just try your best to focus on your schoolwork and remember your sister fondly._

_Sorry I couldn't be more help. I know this is probably a terrible letter, but I'm trying the best I can._

_Your friend,_

_Teddy._

*****

_"...Lily Luna Potter, barely sixteen, daughter of war hero Harry Potter himself, is thought to have been alone at the time of the incident, on her way home after a party with friends in London...."_

_"...has no idea where the girl came from, having seen no one before striking the victim in the middle of the crowded street. It is believed that Potter may have Apparated from some unknown location, despite being underaged...."_

_"...no sign of illegal magic, nor unfamiliar signatures. 'Our agents have scoured the entire area to no avail,' said one Ministry official. 'There is simply no evidence of foul play....'"_

_"...on a street overflowing with Muggles, the clean up has been taxing. Obliviators have been working around the clock, questioning any and all potential witnesses before clearing their minds of the incident..."_

_"...released the final report this afternoon, absolving the lorry driver from any wrongdoing in the Potter incident last summer. The untimely death of young Lily Luna, daughter of a hero, has been officially ruled an accident."_

Albus shoved the papers aside and dropped his head into his hands, groaning with frustration. Teddy had been right, as usual; Al had read the reports hundreds of times, and he still didn't feel any better about what had happened. He still didn't know the real answer, to the question which so haunted him. What had really happened to his sister, and why hadn't he been there to stop it? Lily had been so late coming home, he should have known something had gone horribly wrong. And instead he'd gone to bed with a headache. He would always remember that headache.

"It's all right," Lily whispered, placing her cold hand upon him, her voice soothing in his ear. "You couldn't have known. I don't blame you."

"Oh, Lily," Al said with a sigh. He leaned over, hoping to feel her body press against him, but he only slid through her, like sticking his head in a cold shower. "You're only saying that to make me feel better."

Lily laughed lightly, and shook her head. Her ghostly hair spun around her, as it always had before. "You couldn't help me then. But help me now, Al. Help me now."

"How?" Albus asked, eyes widening. She hadn't spoken so much to him before. He hoped maybe she was growing stronger, or else he was pleasing her enough to encourage more communication. Either way, her voice made his heart swell, and he longed for more of it.

"You know how," Lily said darkly. "You have to hurt him."

Al swallowed hard. "Scorpius."

"He can't do these things to you," Lily said. "He hurts you, Albus. You have to hurt him in return. You have to make him feel it. The way you feel. It's the only way."

"But why?" Al felt the confusion like his brain had been stuffed in a box, all sharp corners and darkness. 

"You know why," Lily replied, and slid through him, dousing him in icy shivers before vanishing from the room. Albus cried out and stretched his hands out, desperate to keep her to him, but it was useless. She was gone, but she had spoken to him. She had directed him. He had to hurt Malfoy.

"It doesn't make any sense," he said to himself, crumpling the old news articles in his hands. "Why should I hurt Malfoy? Because he makes me feel something? It's not so bad, the way I feel."

"You know why," Lily said again, her voice a distant echo. Albus shook his head and rubbed his temples, closing his eyes and swallowing his tears.

*****

Scorpius waited until their dormmate had fallen asleep before he slipped into Al's bed. "Shh, it's all right," he whispered, stilling Al's protest with a gentle touch upon his lips. "Tancred'll sleep through anything."

Albus found it hard to resist when Scorpius was sitting up against him, touching him and spreading his warmth and magic around him. He opened his mouth to speak, without even really knowing what to say, and Malfoy silenced him with a greedy kiss, slipping his hand under Al's night clothes and pressing his hot palm against Al's chest.

"You're irresistible, you are," Scorpius whispered hoarsely between kisses, grinning wickedly at Albus in the dark. "I know I said we'd go slowly, but." He nipped at Al's lower lip with his teeth. "This is all right, yeah?"

Albus nodded dumbly, uncertain. On the one hand, Scorpius made him feel things he had never felt before, and his heart was racing in his chest just under Malfoy's skin. He felt his cock straining at his pants already, and they'd only just begun kissing. But on the other hand, Scorpius Malfoy wasn't supposed to make Albus Potter feel anything. He was supposed to be just another Slytherin, just another boy. It made Al sick to think of the inherent wrongness of it; he should be kissing a girl in this bed. And then, beneath all of that, there was Lily.

Lily hissed at him as Scorpius kissed him deeply, catching Albus in the middle of the maelstrom once again. He wanted to stick his hand down Malfoy's trousers and stroke him, wanted it as badly as he wanted to kick at Scorpius, wanted to shove him off the bed and slice his throat open. 

The suddenness of such a violent thought startled Albus, and he cried out at the intensity of it, of Lily's familiar voice pleading with him to do the right thing, to cut Malfoy open and let him bleed away. It frightened him, and he pushed at Scorpius, toppling him off the side of the bed. Malfoy landed on the floor with a loud thunk, and stared up at Albus with a vague sort of shock. "I went too far, didn't I?" Scorpius asked, starting to smile.

"No," Albus said. He wiped his mouth, then stared down at his hand, wondering how much of the saliva there belonged to Scorpius. "I did."

"Well, you didn't really do much of anything, did you?" Scorpius stood up and brushed his robes off. He laughed quietly; the sound sent a pleasurable shiver down Al's spine. "I'm the one who climbed into your bed." He tossed his hair back, flashing yet another of his fantastic grins. "I'm sorry, Albus. I got a little carried away. Let's go to sleep, yeah? We'll have another go whenever you're ready." He flung himself clumsily onto his own mattress and rolled away from Albus. "Sleep tight."

"Sleep tight," Al echoed, watching as Scorpius breathed deeply in the next bed. He wondered how Malfoy could always act so casual, as though it weren't a big deal to snog a mate before going to sleep. He wondered how Scorpius could smile at him so kindly when Albus was plotting his death. 

Though he could not see her this time, he could feel Lily's essence in his bedsheets, as they slipped coolly over his body of their own accord. "He's so smug," she whispered, wrapping her invisible arms around her brother. Albus shivered under the icy weight of her. "You've got to wipe that grin off his stupid face. It's for the best, Al. Don't you trust me?"

Lily had always warned Albus when James was plotting something against him, or when one of their parents was in a foul mood. She'd always warned him before. "Of course I trust you," Al whispered, pulling the blankets tighter around himself, in a fruitless effort to hold the cold at bay.

"Trust you, too," Scorpius said sleepily from the next bed, and Lily snorted angrily at him.

Al watched Scorpius long after he'd gone to sleep, Malfoy's snores filling the little room as Albus lay with his sister's ghost, terrifying thoughts twisting their way round his skull through the hours. It couldn't be normal, to think such things. Al hated himself for all of it. "Maybe you've got it all wrong," he said quietly into the darkness, speaking to the floorboards in hopes she would still be there, listening. "Maybe it's me that's got to be hurt. I'm the one who's wrong."

"Never," Lily replied fiercely, as a sharp wind ruffled the curtains around his bed. "I love you, Albus. I want only the best for you. You know that. He's the one who has to go. You know that."

Al swallowed heavily. "But how?" He asked, so quietly he could almost believe he had never spoken at all. Lily did not answer.

*****  


"James." Al hesitated before touching his brother, watching his own hand tug at his brother's clothing as though it were a stranger's. He didn't feel worthy to put his hand upon James, and the oldest Potter child seemed to agree, by the look on his face as he turned to face Albus. "James, are you going home for Christmas?"

"Of course I am," James replied easily, gently removing Al's hand from his arm. "We always go home for Christmas." He eyed his younger brother with suspicion. "Are you staying?"

"I just thought," and Al shuffled from one foot to the other, unable to meet James's eye. "I just thought maybe, with less people around, you could, you know. Stay with me." He lowered his voice and leaned in carefully. "See her."

James glowered at him. "Albus," he said warningly. "Don't start this again."

"It's just, she's saying some really weird things, James." Al felt the desperation rising, an actual tugging on his heart as he once again touched James, clung to his arm. "I don't know what to do, and I thought maybe, if you could hear her, too, things might start making sense, and we could figure it all out, you know?"

James had already yanked his arm back and turned away before Al had even finished speaking. "I don't want to hear it, Albus," he called over his shoulder, making his way back to Gryffindor table. "I'll be on the train this afternoon. You should be, as well."

"He never really understood us," Lily whispered in his ear, and Al stood in the doorway of the Great Hall watching their brother, feeling completely lost and useless.

"Hey, Potter," Scorpius called from behind them, casually slapping Al's shoulder as he walked in. "Staying for the holiday? I'd love to have the dorm to ourselves, if you know what I mean." He winked at Albus as he passed.

"I'd love to murder him myself," Lily seethed. "But I'll be there to watch you do it."

Albus made a keening sound in the back of his throat.

*****

He sat with his back against the wall, flipping through pictures and clippings and pain, a never-ending cycle of questions that could never be answered. "What really happened?" But she wouldn't just answer him, her freezing embrace merely whispering the same horrifying things about Scorpius. Scorpius Malfoy, who had ruined Al's life by exposing the disgusting secret within; Scorpius had flayed Albus Potter's skin clear off the bone, showing the world the twisted blood lines running inside, the irregular heart beating frantically with the thought of kissing a fit bloke, shoving his tongue down Malfoy's throat until he choked. Lily clutched at him, her voice shrill and insistent, her words growing darker and darker until the very sunlight faded, leaving Albus alone with a ghost in the dark once again.

And then he saw it. Holding the photograph up to the last remaining scraps of light, Al's eyes widened as he took in the scene: Lily Luna Potter with a drink in her hand, with a laugh on her lips as she stood with her Gryffindor girlfriends, the very same girls who were supposed to have been with her when she stepped into the street on that horrible day. The very same girls, in an earlier time, on an earlier planet. The girls in the common room, a celebration party of sorts, and a blonde boy in the background, pale and smirking, shaking his hair out of his eyes as he stared out of the photograph, looked straight at Albus from one world to another, as though he could see what Al was doing, and mocked him for it.

Scorpius Malfoy, at a Gryffindor party, in a picture with Lily. She never looked back at him, but what did it mean? He had called Lily pretty, hadn't he, before kissing Albus that first time? Scorpius with his many girlfriends, flaunting them right in front of Albus, snogging them in the hallways and common rooms, laughing if Al scowled at him before his common sense kicked in. Malfoy had broken many a heart, and Lily hated him, hated him so much that she would do anything to stop him from breaking the heart of her brother. Had Scorpius broken her heart, too?

Lily's spirit, her soul, her essence, her very self had come back to Albus, so she could warn him, and wrap her icy comfort around him in his time of need. He had never told her of his dark desire, for how could he tell anyone when he couldn't even admit it to himself? But she had known anyway, and come to solve it, to cure him. To protect him, and perhaps to get her revenge.

Revenge. Lily crooned in his ears as he worked it out, as the idea trickled down his brain stem like a shiver. Lily Potter all alone far from home, a boy with an evil plot, an argument in the middle of the street. It would have been so easy to have his victory, to push the small girl into traffic and disappear without a trace. They had never found any magical signature on her. He hadn't needed magic, not with those Muggle vehicles around to do the job for him. They had their own sort of magic, Muggles, and Albus knew all too well how sometimes it was more powerful. It would have been easy.

"Is that it?" Al asked, appealing, reaching for her, and she swept herself upon him, her white skin sliding into him, ice water raising goosebumps up his arms. "Is that it?" He demanded, but she still would not answer. Not in words. She merely splashed upon him, filling his pores with anger and insistence, and with triumph.

"Lily," he said, like a prayer, holding her tightly to his heart, and hoping she would never leave.

*****  


"Scorpius."

Malfoy had been flipping through a magazine of some sort; he tossed it aside at the sound of Al's voice. "Ah, the mysterious one returns," said Scorpius, grinning up at Albus from his seat on the floor. "Honestly, you're so dark sometimes, Potter. Why must you glower at me so? Come on, sit next to me. We'll chat a bit." He hesitated, as Al refused to move, as he clenched his fists tighter. "I promise I won't snog you again. Until you beg me to, that is."

"Shut up, Malfoy, and get on your feet." Al's voice did not waver; he had the force of a cyclone behind him, a bitter wind with a furious heart that did not beat. He stood his ground. "Do it now."

Scorpius looked very serious as he rose from the floor. "Are you being forceful with me, Potter?" He raised an eyebrow. "I don't know whether to be terribly frightened or incredibly aroused." A small smile twitched at the corner of his lips.

"I know what you've done," said Albus. "What you're doing."

"What's that, exactly?" Scorpius shook the hair out of his eyes, a familiar gesture that still shocked Al's heart, and made his palms sweat.

Al swallowed hard and moved towards Scorpius. He slowly placed his hands on either side of Malfoy's face, and kissed him gently, their lips barely touching. Scorpius remained still, his eyes fluttering as he kissed Al back, equally gently. Albus pulled away and stared; Scorpius opened his eyes and they stayed that way for a moment, just looking. Somewhere, an angry ghost battered at the back of her brother; Al tried to read the emotion in Scorpius's gaze and couldn't. "You kiss me like you mean it," Al whispered finally.

"There's no other way," Scorpius replied.

"Please. Stop this." Al's hands were slick with sweat, sticking to the pale skin of Malfoy's cheeks. "Stop lying."

"Lying?" Scorpius smiled at him, and it broke Al's heart to see it, it looked so genuine. "How could I possibly be lying? I don't think you realize how incredible you are, Albus Potter."

"Disgusting," Al said, and peeled his hands away, wiping them on the edge of his robes. "You don't even know anything about me. And you think you can charm me with that stupid grin? I've seen you grinning like that a thousand times, and always at women. You can trick them, but you can't trick me."

Scorpius hesitated, bit his lower lip. "I see," he said. "Look, Al, you wouldn't speak to me, remember? I had to do something, to keep from losing my mind entirely. I had to try to find what I needed elsewhere." He kicked at the floor, averting his eyes with a small puff of a sigh. "And it obviously didn't work, or I wouldn't be here now. I did feel bad for those girls, honestly, but they knew it would never have lasted."

"Did you feel bad for Lily, too?" Albus asked, and his heart gave a jolt as Scorpius looked up at him quickly, his grey eyes wide with something like shock. "Oh, you didn't think I knew, yeah? Well, I do know. I know all of it. What you did to her. And then you kiss me like that! Like I would never find out? I have her here, I know her." Al swept his arms wide, felt the cold caress of her on his shoulders. "I feel what she feels. What she felt, when you pushed her."

"Albus, I have no idea--."

"Don't lie to me," Al demanded, pressing in. He felt something hard poke the side of his torso, and reached down to grasp his wand, handed to him by the invisible frost surrounding him. Al gripped his wand tightly and shoved it in Malfoy's face, the tip nearly touching Scorpius's nose. "Don't. Lie."

Scorpius took a step back and raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. His eyes were still unreadable, his expression almost blank. "All right," he said. "I won't lie." He looked Albus calmly in the eye. "I am attracted to you. Incredibly so. If that bothers you, I will leave you alone. I swear it. But if you feel the same way, I would be happy to continue what we've started. That's it. That's the truth."

Al faltered only a moment, lowering his wand ever so slightly, but then the winds swirled around him, and he could almost feel her arm slung over his shoulders, her lips brushing against his ear. "Don't let him do this to you," she whispered, in a low, long hiss. "Don't let him hurt you like he hurt me. Stop him, stop him, make him pay. Hurt him, Albus. Curse him, ruin him, destroy him."

Scorpius smiled then, slowly, uncertainly. "Put the wand down, Al." He reached a hand out for it. "It's going to be all right."

"You fucking murderer," Al snarled, and a jet of light shot out the tip of his wand, blasting Scorpius off his feet and onto the floor. Albus felt a jolt of triumph and nausea as he watched it, Malfoy hitting the floor with a thud and a grunt. It confused him, made his head spin, and Albus doubled over, clutching his stomach as he swallowed down the bile, blinking the tears back. 

"It's all right," she soothed him, radiating ripples of cold air on his back as she tried to console him, tried to touch him. "This is good, this is good, this is good."

"All right," Scorpius said weakly, stumbling to his feet. He rubbed his chest hard, his gaze fixed on Albus. He was no longer smiling. "If this is how it is, so be it." He bared his teeth, and pulled out his own wand. "Go ahead, Potter. Let's hear it. Why do you think I hurt your sister?"

"Because she told me," Al replied, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"Did she, really?" Scorpius had an odd expression on his face. "That's interesting. When did she tell you?"

"I," Al hesitated, looking over his shoulder. She was there, but faintly, silently urging him on. Her hair whipped around her face in a wind he could not feel. She flickered like the flame of a candle, without the light or heat. Invisible, to everyone but him, who she trusted above all others. The sight of her strengthened his resolve. "It doesn't matter," he said firmly. "I just know, all right? And I won't let you hurt anyone else."

Scorpius sneered at him and flicked his wand. Al felt his muscles clench as every inch of his body froze up, and he fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes. Lily screeched her anger as Albus stared up at the ceiling in a panic, hating himself for not being better prepared for this, for not seeing what Scorpius would do, for not having the courage to just end the whole thing from the beginning. He should have just cursed himself; it would have been easier.

"It didn't have to be this way," Scorpius was saying, circling Al's prone body, tapping his wand against the palm of his hand, tiny green sparks shooting out with each impact. "It was a simple decision, Albus. All you had to do was give in to my demand for you, or walk away. That's all. It didn't have to come to this."

"Demand?" Lily spoke loudly now, stepping in where Al could not, screaming for him as he lay so still, as he struggled fruitlessly, motionlessly, to free himself from his magical bonds. "You arrogant fuck. Your 'demand' for him. You see, Al, are you listening to this?" She thrust her hands through Scorpius, who continued to look down upon Albus as though he could not even feel her. "He thinks that he can just take someone, that he can 'demand' them and they'll give in to him. He doesn't care about what normal people will think, the ridicule that comes from giving in to someone like him. He doesn't care if you aren't ready, if you aren't sure, if you can't handle such a sudden change to your reality. No thought towards proper human behavior. He just kisses you, makes you feel things you shouldn't, and it's all supposed to be okay." She sounded like she was crying, the way Al felt himself, a lump quivering in both their throats, though he could not see their tears. "It's pathetic. It's disgusting."

"Al, are you all right?" Scorpius knelt down and smoothed a lock of hair over Al's forehead. He still did not smile. "I only immobilized you to keep you from attacking me. I hope you understand."

Lily kicked hopelessly at Scorpius's back, and then knelt down on Al's other side, her translucent eyes shimmering before him. "You have to fight back, Albus. You can't let him take you. You're a Potter; you're a normal boy with normal hopes and normal desires. You don't want this man to touch you, do you? You want to save us from him."

And Albus tried, strained with every inch of his body, but nothing happened. He stayed so still, and Scorpius touched his leg, running his fingers under the robes, skimming Al's skin so delicately it raised goosebumps and shivers. With his touch, Scorpius seemed to be seeking freedom, a thaw for the thin layer of frost which lay over Al's body. It spread a warmth through Albus, and he felt his nerves singing, as his body became his own again, and moved when he asked it to. Al sat up and placed his hand over Scorpius's, over his robe, as Al's green eyes met Malfoy's grey ones, and they stared at one another again. "I'm afraid," Al said quietly. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"I'll help you," Scorpius replied, and carefully pressed his lips to Al's, a frustratingly slow kiss. Al gave a muffled moan and grasped Scorpius by the back of the head, desperate for more of him. The warmth swallowed him, set him aflame, and he savored the feel of it, Scorpius's soft hair in his fingers and a moist tongue sliding between his lips.

They parted with a loud smack, and Scorpius smiled, clutching Al's hands tightly between his own. "You see," he said, "isn't that much better?"

Albus trembled, wanting so badly to reply in the affirmative, that it was better, incredibly so. He could have hugged Scorpius then, and treasured that warmth for hours. But it was Lily he was worried about. She stood there, faint and wispy, nothing but the outline of a head and torso. She stood there, and she frowned at him, at Albus. He was failing her; he was failing himself. He could not give in to the warmth. It was the fire of hell, beckoning to him; he would lose himself if he gave in. He would be humiliated, and tortured by Scorpius Malfoy, who had hurt his sister. It was Lily he was worried about. And she called to him with her coldness; he felt it like the edge of the ocean, a wave seeping slowly over his feet.

"I, I don't know," he said. "I think you've done something terrible to her."

"Shh," Scorpius replied, touching Al's lips, smiling so sweetly as his lips drew ever nearer. "We can talk about it later."

Albus didn't know if he'd be able to talk about it later. Scorpius and Lily were swirling around him in a hazy cloud of fire and ice. He could no longer tell what was really happening, as Malfoy kissed him again and it felt so distant to his senses. He thought of James suddenly, his older brother's anger and indifference, the fact that he couldn't see Lily and refused to believe she was there at all. She was suffocating Albus that very moment with her hail of anger, and still he wasn't sure if she was real, if she had ever been real. She'd been gone for such a very long time. He could still feel the hole she'd torn in him with her passing, a hole that Scorpius sought to fill with his warmth and smiles and kisses. Al thought of Rose in Potions, the odd look she'd given him; she must have seen the way Scorpius smiled at him, the way Albus liked it. They'd all seen it, that was the reason for his misery. Nobody cared about Lily's death at all; they only pitied him for his feelings for Scorpius. He'd always had them, deep down underneath. 

It was wrong, it was hideous, it was betrayal to his sister, who was supposed to come first, who was supposed to be remembered and taken care of. Albus struggled in Scorpius's arms, cried out in desperation, flung his arms wide and searched for destruction. He had to do what Lily had asked of him. He had to make Scorpius pay for killing his sister, whether he'd done it in reality or only in Al's heart.

There was a flash of light, and a noise like a snap, and Scorpius leapt away from Albus with his eyes wide and his mouth open. Al fumbled at the floor, searching, and Scorpius was there again, with his hands on Albus and something terrifying in his eyes. "No," Al cried, his throat restricted, like he was drowning, and something sharp pierced his chest. Scorpius with tears in his eyes, a grimace twisting his lips, his tantalizing smile replaced entirely. "I won't let you hurt us," Al said, as he found his wand beside him, and lifted it to Scorpius's face.

"I wouldn't have hurt you," Scorpius yelled, and he scratched at Al wildly, "if you'd just--." But there was another flash, and Albus didn't care who he hurt or how he did it; he just wanted it all to end. He sent out all of his magic in one terrible burst, in the silent scream of a lost boy.

Lily called his name, just once, and everything vanished.

*****

James ducked out the back of the hall for a smoke. His parents didn't know he smoked, and he hadn't been doing it long, but he needed something to calm his nerves, and he needed to get out of that building. It was dank, and stuffy, and Merlin, he'd just been there a year before; it was too much. He felt like he'd gotten stuck in some sort of time loop, some kind of magical punishment for his sins. He hadn't tried hard enough.

It was cool outside, and he smoked slowly, savoring the moment of peace before the family would be looking for him. He was needed inside, for the younger ones, to assuage the grief as best he could. Fuck his own grief; it didn't matter. 

The door opened behind him with a tiny squeak, and James sighed heavily, puffing a thick white cloud of smoke into the air before him. A skinny boy with pale skin and messy blonde hair stood beside him; he looked eerily calm. "You're James."

James eyed him warily. "Yeah, who're you?"

"Scorpius. Malfoy. I was in Al's dorm." Scorpius rubbed his arms. "You mind sharing a fag?"

James just stared at him for a moment. Scorpius stared back blankly, leaning against the side of the building, just watching. Finally, James shrugged, and passed Scorpius his cigarette. "All right."

He watched as Scorpius took a drag, and smiled despite himself; it was obvious the boy was not a smoker. Scorpius squeezed his eyes shut and stifled a cough before passing the cigarette back to James. "You all right?" Scorpius asked, his eyes watery when he reopened them.

"I should be asking you that." There was a silence, in which they stood beside one another, in a kind of odd peace. "It's weird," James said eventually. "I feel like I could have saved him. But I fucked it all up."

Scorpius nodded. "I feel the same way."

"You know our sister died?" Scorpius nodded again. "It hit Albus so hard. Merlin, I should have seen that. He told me he could see her ghost." James snorted and shook his head. "But I couldn't. I was almost jealous. And then he stayed home for Christmas. I should have tried harder to get him to come home, but, nope, good ol' James has to play the hardass. If he'd only come home with me, maybe he wouldn't have...done it."

Scorpius didn't say anything for a minute; he stared down at the ground between them. "I almost stayed home for Christmas, too," he said quietly. "I thought maybe, if I'd stayed, I could have been there, to catch him in time."

"But what can you do?" James asked. "You just go on." He gave Scorpius an odd look. "You and Al were friends?"

Scorpius hesitated. "You could say that." He gave James the hint of a smile. "I've always admired the Potters."

"Don't they all," James replied, smiling back. There was something appealing about this Scorpius kid. Maybe it was the way he smiled at James, as though everything would be all right. "You ready to go back in there?"

"I suppose." Scorpius tossed his hair out of his face. "What are your plans after you finish school?"

"I've no idea," James replied, stubbing out his cigarette. He opened the door and held it, gesturing for Scorpius to go in first. "I thought I'd do a bit of traveling, see the world. Might be good to get away, after all that's happened here."

"I agree," Scorpius replied. "You probably need some fresh air, a clear start. I could do with one as well."

"Well, we'll work on it," James said. A chill breeze ruffled the back of his head; he turned to look out across the courtyard. He thought for a moment he could see two figures in the distance, a boy and a girl with their arms interlocked, with their hands reaching for him. But the image didn't last, and James shook his head before he ducked back into the memorial hall with Scorpius.


End file.
